so christmas is comming up?

What have you been up to? EHHH? haha I love this time of year, except for the sniffles...SNiffle sniffle. Alright, so I am reading this book called the kite runner, for all of you who do not know this book is not about the war, at least not in whole. It is instead about a boy who goes through life wishing that he had his fathers attention, this is a pretty cliche thing, but where this book takes that boy is not ordinary. The bounds at which this boy will go to to win over his father's affections are terrible, I came close to vomiting one time. All in all it is an alright book.
on another note, Hanukka starts today, so wish your Jewish friends a nice shalom, and christmas comes on the 25th so be happy for your chirstian friends, it is a new year and a new time to be full of Christ's love. Also after that comes kwannza which will be amazing for all of those spiritualists of African origins. Overall the season is about giving, remembering, and contemplating. So as the year comes to an end, and a new one begins, just remember to take time to love your life, and to make a positive impression on the lives around you.

go in peace, David.

so formal and saturday...

Yesterday was amazing, I danced with 6 different people and just had an amazing time. Today I will take it easy, read, and memorize some stuff and just do some hw. I asked a girl to go out next friday, and I am excited because I havent actually been on a date in a long time. By date I mean an actual date; one where you arent going out but are just friends who are getting to know each other better. I love life right now, too bad I missed church, but its ok I will make it back soon and keep going, I just need to get that niche back in my life. Until that time I will just have to carry the church in my heart and pray. I got accepted to college, and I am so excited. dwisar@csufresno.edu is my email. Im gonna go now. bye.

-David.

Im tired, but i shall continue.

life can be tiring at time, in fact its tiring all of the time. I shall continue on, in hopes of getting what i want to get done. I have 4 badges left to do, and one project. I have 4,000 points to achieve in acadec, and i have a drumline/pit to teach at tenya. I have a drum corps to get into, and friendships to mend. I am not hurt, I am actually doing well. I am going back to church tomorrow, to get back with the lord, because I miss his time, and the time of his children in my life. I will be completely there sometime, for now, im spread thin, but that will work out. Everything will be ok.

-David

last night was like a stolen kiss.

fast and uncalled for, but at the same time, something else entirely. I liked that feeling, seeing someone I care about, comfortable enough to sleep, to sleep peacefully whilst i was driving. it was nice. I think I shall go back to church this week. Despite what might come to me, it isnt about me, its about him. Im tired of being afraid, or feeling like a jerk. Im not, I was well in my rights. Despite the bickering, and the tantrums, the hitting me, the constant barage of insults that eventually lead to my self hatred. I still wanted to be her friend. I cared about her. still do, but im letting it go. Abusive relationships are someting that both parties can be a part of. Im glad to say the abuse in this last one, was all one sided. If you put yourself out enough to get hit, you always will. Someone once told me, "you dont sing well, but when you sing, it is the only thing i want to hear." someone else once told me, "I hate when you sing, I hate your voice." last night I was told, "I love your voice." comming from this person that means a lot, so I think i will keep my song, continue to voice it loud, and remember what it is like to fall in love, but this time gaurd myself from being taken without given anything in return. I never wanted what she had to give, 4 times it was offered, 4 times rejected. Too bad I took the fruit, it lost me my place in the garden.

So i got moved up...

To rank 3. only a few more to go. i will be number one. Had a great talk with micah today, got an app for college too, im so excited for my future. I can't wait, its like a great adventure. I can't wait to read acts, its gonna be so beneficial to my understanding.

So far in acadec...

Ive been told i was ranked 4th overall in effort. Sadly, this means i need to step it up even harder. Yes my grades will suffer, yes no one will see me anymore, But i will be top B. This isn't even close to the end. Oliver may just be trying to motivate me, or he may actually believe that this is where i am at. Either way, i wanted to be top B at regionals, let alone on our team, since the outset. This is where i show what I am made of.



_David.

It seems like everyone is looking for love...

not love from god, even my friends with that are looking for love. Love in a relationship, oh boy how we all know where this post is going. Lets start at where I bring in my knowledge.

The greeks had 3 forms of love here they are in order of Truth from most to least:

Philia, this was the highest form of love in greek culture(up until agape, which is the love from god. came about around the time of jesus, which was the highest at that point.) Philia was the love between friends, it translates to mean friendship. It was the most reveared and cherished love in anceint Greece. This love would never fail and there are stories that prove that point.

next was Storge: the love of a family, of a parent to a child. This could also apply to spouses, who were not just in it for the passion. This love was genuine and not a bad thing, it wasnt driven by evil and was just under philia.

last and least was eros, sexual love between a man and woman. This was thought to be the weakest and most evil of all love. Throughout greek society and mythology you can see time and time again when men and women turn on those they love. It isnt stroge, they arent married, and they dont love each other in an affecitionate way. It's eros, passion. It comes and goes quickly and never seems to mean a thing.

I want to focus on the last two mentioned. My friends, who are lonely. Want and need Stroge, an affection, a love that isnt selfish and self serving. They may have agape which is the most powerful but that isnt what they are lacking. The only problem is that when they are out looking for storge, for someone who loves them and will care for them. All of the people they find, give them eros. Eros hurts, it burns even. why was cupid known as eros, becuase cupid wasnt a nice guy, and eros wasnt a nice love. It was painful and let you down.

My friends need to learn that settling for eros is what they are doing, and that if they want storge they have to not only find it in a person who is mature and ready to give that kind of love, but also someone who will give them philia(the love of a friend). Someone who will sacrifice eros(sexual and passionate love) when it needs to be washed away, and who will give up themselves for the greater. My friends need to learn that if you want that kind of love, you need to hold out for it, and then once you have it, fight for it with everything youve got, because in this world, it is the most precious of human contact, and its easily destroyed.

And then i pray.

peace and love in god.
-david

broken

broken people walk down the street, saying hello as they meet. passing each other without a care, each with their own cross to bear. none with a savior to pick up the load, each one all alone. these broken people have not a chance, if only they could praise and dance.

the world is sad and broken. lets fix it.

so...this is where im at.

I need to do something. I just dont know what yet. I'm restless. I need to find something, to spend my time doing. we will see what soon, the answer will come, once the questions are posed.

give a little, give a alot...

I was reading over some of my old IM's from 8th grade. It is incredible how much more mature I am, even though I feel like the exact same person I was so long ago. I am far more moral, and upstanding. I wouldn't say or do half of the things I would have back then, but still it amazes me how much I've changed. I'm not who I was, as they say. Although I realized when you don't care what you say or who you offend you tend to be a lot more witty and sarcastic. I was both of those things, I've chosen to be neither for so long now, I'm not sure I could ever be them again. I'm kind of glad to be the person I've become. I realized in the last week, that although I'm only 17 I have at least 10 people or more who look up to me for some kind of advice or solace in their lives. It's very strange, but I like to take care of people. I enjoy it. Being a leader isn't something that is easy, but it is something that you are given, can't take for granted or credit for. God gave me this strength, so I owe it, like everything else to him. I just thought I'd talk about that, because its pretty prevalent in my life right now. Things are good. I'm excited.

p.s.
I'm now 17, just a heads up for future reference, yes I can see R rated movies now.

Heres a video:

sometimes it's hard to get motivated.

people run sometimes. but there are always two ways to run, away from something, and after something. I know someone who is very close, and running. I am also running, but im running after alot of things. chasing them. its a bitter fight, but i think in the end ill be alright. ok. im tired.bye.

sometimes, the world takes unexpected turns.

I never would have thought this would happen, in a million years. To see it crumble and fall like that, just fall apart like peices in a game of jenga. It doesn't make much sense to me, but he has a reason and he has a plan. I will follow it wherever it leads me, to whatever destination. I know where my life is going, I just cant keep track of where the people fit into the places in it. Who knows who will be where in my life, what positions, what places they will keep. Only god really. He is going to make me happy, he already has. He will make them happy, her, him, everyone who needs that joy right now, will be happy. God loves me, and I talked to him tonight. He loves you too, and you should do that same. I dont know exactly what is going to happen, but whatever it is, i know that god is the one who says it should, and he will never lead me astray. I follow him out of the darkness, out of the sorrow of my life, and into the light of the life he has planned for me.

night,
David.

So who reads my blog anyway?

The fog blew over the misty mountains, over green pastures, and over dark forests. The trees turned and swayed under the gusts, and the sound of the whispering breeze could be heard all around the world. The cold brooks of the lakes slowly rippled outward from the winds, the rivers rushed up against the rocks, and the word was buzzing all around. The light of the sun rose over the peaks of the white blanketed summits. The slow earth churned under the new day, the life breathing through the trees, creating a hope.
As the world slowly rose for the new day, a boy slowly awoke upon a dirt road. Carefully he picked up his head, and opened his eyes, rubbing them as they adjusted to the light. He shook with the new day and the changing earth, yawning and opening his watery blue eyes. He picked himself off of the dirty road, and staggered up onto his feet. He patted the dirt off of his hands and then all of a sudden it hit him. He had no idea where he was.
The road was very plain; just dirt about ten feet across, that stretched out and disappeared. It wasn’t the road itself that caught the attention of Mark though; it was the scenery that was on either side of it. From what he could see, it was untamed wilderness. On one side there was grassland, with wheat-like tails sticking up five feet off of the ground. On the other there was brush and trees leading into some kind of great forest. Starring deep into the forest about ten feet in, all of the light turned to darkness. From what he could discern the only thing to do was walk. He started to head north, and he would find his way back home, if it was one of the only things he could do.

P.S
so this was the begining of outstreched. It is alright, It needs a lot of work I know. I hope you like it. Anyways Je t'aime mon ami. goodnight.

-David.

so im having some trouble

but ill keep going, I wont let go, and I wont back down. No matter how hard the push is, I will get back up and stand there waiting. Just waiting for the acceptance.

love,
David.

Testify...

What is my testimony... my journey in life, my journey to christ? I guess it would all start in the begining. I was born into a family that wasn't ever really complete, I talked to my mom about it and she told me how scared she was when it became apparent that I was going to be born. She was Catholic, born and raised irish-catholic. when she found that she was pregnant she decided to marry my father. Well My dad was never ready to be a dad, He still isn't ready to be a dad, but I forgive him for that - he does try, really, he just isn't ready maturity wise and he's about 57 now. So that being said, when I was born it was into a pretty shakey family as it was. My mom, dad, sister, and me. Well as it went along, I was raised Catholic - like the rest of my family still is. I kind of grew up never really feeling confident in myself, I was always the one who wasn't as smart as my sister, I couldn't focus - apparently all I ever wanted to do was play. I used to have a lot of friends who went to church with me, but the thing was In my family we never really talked about god. Morning, noon, night whenever we never ever talked about god. He just wasn't a part of our lives. Slowly as time went on my "family" grew apart and I became a more selfish individual. Around 8th grade I decided that although I knew the bible better than most kids I hung out with I didn't know what I believed. I did know one thing, I hated going to church and I ceased to go. After 6th grade my family sold their house, my mom and dad split up, and my sister and I went to live with my mom. My dad I guess had been talking to some woman in Austraila(random), on a side note the woman he was talking too looked me up one time and she is very nice. Well 7th grade was an extremely nerdy stage for me, I started going to my sisters school, which was Oxford Acadamy magnet school for the gifted and talented. It was an extremely stressful enviroment esspecially for me, a kid who is amazing when it comes to writing, but horrible at math. Around the end of 7th grade I was having problems with some of my best friends, over a girl. Yeah I know, stupid now, but back then it was something that launched me into a deep depression. I was alone, I had no one to talk to, my friends hated me, my family hated me(so I thought), for all I knew God hated me. I considered suicide. Well I made it to 8th grade, figuring that a life is a terrible thing to waste. This was about the time that I decided that I would never drink or do Drugs because it would just take my life away from me, life being the only valueable thing I had left - I couldn't let it go. 8th grade was mostly spent, for the first half, finding new friends. Then In english class with Mr.Cook who was a minister at one time and whom deeply influenced me with his morality, I met lauren. Lauren was going to become one of my best friends. Well her best friend was going to become my first girlfriend. Her name was Alli, and she was a lot of firsts for me. First date, first kiss, first girlfriend, first "love", first mistake. I did far more with Alli than I should have, and it was far more than I was ready for. Back in 8th grade, I had no idea who I was or what I would become. The only thing that I did then that i was proud of was the fact that I was in the Boy scouts of America. Well After 8th grade I moved from girl to girl. After my sister graduated and moved to new york, my mom and I moved out here. I think once we moved, and I lived alone with my mom I found out a lot of things that made me change who I was. She would cry a lot the first year, and before we moved, I didn't know that she cried. After the move, nothing changed about the girls, one to the next, continuing until this year. Each year of highschool got progressivly worse with them, each year I would grow older, and I would look for more, I wanted more, I needed to feel something. I never really did. The reason that I never did Drugs or Drank wasn't because of my own morals really, I came very close, the people whom I hung out with when I moved here did all of those things. It was an important senior in my life freshman year who told me it was ok to be straight edge, she said it was "cool of me." she called me her little emo kid. It was kinda cool, she is still one of my best friends, and I look up to her imensly. She taught me so much about music, and being a leader. Everything I know about leading people and being strong is from her example. Anyway like I said, as I grew older and as my mom and aunt say, "Into a fine Gentleman." I devolved in my search for a relationship, they became less and less, losing meaning with each one. Finally my experience with girls ended Junior year in march, with a girl cheating on me the day she told me she loved me. It was then that I felt lost, I had felt it all along, but along the way of my life, I would Quell the hurt, by distracting myself. Much like others do with Drugs and Alcohol or food or gambling I used girls. Distracting me from the pain, the loss. I was growing into a man, learning to take those around me and lift them up, to be selfless, and to lead. I am a Boy scout, soon to be eagle scout, I am a leader of percussion in band, I lead people in academic decathalon. But when it came to my life, I felt completely and totally out of control, at a loss. Then I met Emily. At a writers conference, gave her my number, and next thing I know, she invites me to come with her youth group to a debate about god. Then to church, then to Catalyst. The next thing I knew, I had god, He was there, I felt him. I gave my life to him, and I started reading the Gospel. I let myself fall to my knees and ask for him to forgive me, for everything I'd done. He did. Now I have been going to New Harvest for about 2 and a half months. I've believed in god my whole life, But I didn't know god till a few months ago. I may stumble as a christian, but God picks me back up and dusts me off, and I continue to follow christ. I will, for the rest of my life. 

-David.

I think I know what I want to do.

You know there is this feeling that comes over your body when you talk about God. I really think it is the holy spirit. When you speak about god, it's this overwhelming energy that is not of this world that just entrances your body. Your words flow easily and your heart speaks cries out in praise. You talk to people, and you know of what you speak. Tonight I talked to a friend of mine, who is catholic. She was telling me about how much she hates going to church, how she feels its mundane and that there isn't any connection with god in the worship. I told her about my experience and she really seemed interested. I feel bad for people who's faith is cut off by their denomination, or their parents wants. The whole point is to have a relationship with Jesus, and that is what I think I'm going to talk about in small group. How you need to have a relationship with Jesus above all else.

-David.

It isn't like seeing a billboard...

or listening to a radio add. He isn't like a college sending you mail, or a military recruiter at your school. God works in a different way. Through people, acts, the gospel, and just life in general. Today when I realized what I had to do, not wanted although I don't mind it, but had to do after college. It's been quite a strange subject that I haven't had much clarity in at all. I just always knew that I wanted to help people. Well today when pastor Mitch was talking about failure to thrive, I thought to myself "is there an end to faith, an end to thriving where we just finish and find that we are done?" My answer was no, no matter how comfortable I got with being a christian and in my faith, there was always room to grow. I thought to myself about what I could do to make sure that others all around me, and across the nation, possibly the world continue to thrive in Christ. I decided that after I go to college and get my degree in something, I am going on a mission for God. He spoke to me today, and told me that this is what I need to do.
      I got the distinct impession that I just need to take a bible, some water, and some sort of journal and set out on a journey wherever I feel a need to go. All along the way talking to people about the word of God, spreading the Gospel to all those who wish to hear it. Bringing together the sons and daughters of god. I think that, if I do this, I will grow closer to God. I'm not really afraid of what could happen to me, becuase I know that God will take care of me, and thats a promise that can never be broken. I hope I sound like I know what I'm talking about. I have around 5 years to come up with the details, and grow into my faith to a point where I can bring others to god, and know well enough what god wants for sure. I think I'll be ready.

-David

Acadec zombie movie(PG 13 for mild language, and cg violence.)

part 2 to come.

Outstretched.(A novel about faith, and our journey)

Outline: Outstreched.
Synopsis: A boy wakes up on a dirt road, to find that he knows nothing of where he is. He asks another boy he sees walking along the road, where his home might be? The new boy, who when asked says he should just be called brother, tells the first boy(Mark) that he knows exactly where his home is. Brother asks Mark if he would like to follow him along the path, to find his way home. Mark accepts and the story that follows involves between 8 and 13 challenges that are over come.
In the middle of the story, Mark deviates from Brother deciding it is taking far too long overcoming all of these challenges and decides that he will take a different path. He find that alone, the walk is much harder, and eventually it becomes almost impossible, to the point of death. Just as Mark is having his final thoughts he sees a hand extended towards him, looking up he sees brother. He takes his hand, and knows that brother has forgiven him. He is instantly alright, and then asks “Friends?” To which brother replies, “Brothers.”
Some of the challenges involve allegories of:
Sex
Drugs
Family ties
Relationships
Responsibility
Forgiveness
Being able to love
Struggle against pride
Struggle against sin
Giving in completely to faith
Preaching and being a minister and warrior for truth.




Suggestions?

Tonight was a good night, a faithful night, I got to minister to a friend who was lost. I invited her to church, and she said she might go. Which is a start, she said to me tonight; "how can I trust in god, when he might not even be real?" to which i replied, I cant make you believe maggie, thats something you have to come to on your own. You are allowed to not believe, but I can tell you that I believe, and I know that god is here. He is always here, for you and for me. later in the conversation I told her, you know one day its gonna click, something is going to change and you will be happy, for one day, for one week, for one month, and for every day of the rest of your life. I think that the fact that I was so sure, was something that struck a chord in her. I love jesus, I told her this. I hope she comes to the cross, because really it changes you, for the better. I'm happy, im healthy, I have a relationship with christ, and I found that love that I was so desperatly searching for, for so long. Now it is my turn to give back for all of the things that christ has given me. It is my turn to fish for men. I never thought i would be a fisherman.

I will also start working on a book that mirrors emily's Christian teen girls guide to surviving highschool, but for boys. Check back later for that.

Peace and love in Christ,
David.

looking back.

Sometimes when I look back on the things that I have done. I find that at that place and at that time, it seemed right. Well most of the time it wasn't. Most of the time I was stupid, headstrong, and rash. I never took consiquences into consideration and I never thought about anyone but myself. That time has been over for a while now, becuase of just who I am now. I can't be that selfish, I can't do those things, I am not who I was. Sometime in moments of weakness I fall back into that selfish place, and I don't want to. So I asked the lord to help me, and he is. Everything will be alright, and I will be ok. I hope everyone else will too.

-David

Tonight was...intersting

or....scary, electrifying, amazing, awesome, skadoosh.

anyway I had fun, looking at the starrs, seeing kung fu panda. hanging out with my friends, who I think emma really likes. It was a good night. Alright thats all i have to report. See yall.

-David

My concert solo.

haha After that post, here is something both embarassing and entertaining.

Faith. who am I? and what am I doing? why?

What does it mean to have faith, and what does it mean to live with faith in the lord. Faith itself is never a bad thing, it's just that everyone has faith. I have faith, you have faith, we all have faith. Faith In the Lord is not something that everyone shares. Its a faith unlike all other faiths, It isn't like the faith I have in this couch that I'm sitting on, that it will hold me up. It's a much deeper, sought for, true faith. The fact that I am placing my entire life in the hands of god, requires faith beyond anything that i could have imagined just a short time ago. I feel like nothing can bring me down, I find it awesome. awe inspiring even. To say, "If I trust in god to take care of me, he will." Is not something that many people understand. I found a while back that, those who place their faith in the people around them will come up empty and short changed. Nothing will ever feel as good as it should, no one will ever measure up. It's not because they aren't trying or because they are failing. It's just that the only one who can truly make you happy, or allow you to share your happiness with others; is god. I kind of feel like, god allows me to understand love, trust, kindness, forgiveness, and humanity in general. It's like all of a sudden I get it more than I ever would have before or ever could have without god. Every time I have a feeling, I know that its true, because of the fact that I feel that feeling in a greater sense, for god. I can love, because I love god with all of my heart; and it is a true love. I can forgive because I can sincerly ask god for forgiveness and know that I recieve it without question. I can be kind, for the lord is kind to me. I can trust, because the lords trust is in my heart. I can believe in humanity, because the lord loves us with all of his heart, and placed the best of himself all around us and within us. I am sure, because God is sure.

Suerte,
David

If you have faith, you can tell a mountain...

move from here to there, and it will move. So tonight I talked to god, he didn't say anything back, but I didn't ask him too. He listened, and he comforted me. I know he is there for me, and I think without him tonight would have gone a completely different way. I love god, so much, that is strikes me as strange, considering I didn't even know him 2 months ago. No one ever said walking a spiritual path with the lord would be easy, no one said it would be fun. It is the best walk of my life, and it will be for the duration and beyond. Jesus is with me, at my left, right, in my heart, and on my mind. Without this grace, I would be lost. I'm glad he found me, because being lost is the pits. I don't know what god has in store for me, but I do know that he will take care of me, and those who are close to me in my absence, and for that I pledge my soul to him, forever.

so its been a while internet...

I guess some people might actually read this, which is strange to me. I never really thought about anyone actually reading my journal now, I thought once I publish  my book and people want to they can go to my blog and like check out who I am and what not. Well I guess micah was able to find out who I am, which isn't a bad thing, but it makes this a lot less secret. oh well, my name is David Wisar, and this is my blog. Enjoy and read at your own risk.
So what is on my mind? Hmmmm this could take a while to figure out. I decided earlier that I have no clue what I want to do with the rest of my life. I know I want to write, although i have no idea what else I would like to do. Maybe something in ministry, or music, it seems like at this poing the sky is litterally the limit. I could never do anything involving areospace and or flying, being colorblind and all, well at least partially, enough to count. With my whole life ahead of me, I do know a few things for certain, like that god is always guiding me, and though I may stumble he will pick me up and continue to guide me. I hope the way will be well lit, because right now, where I am supposed to go, doesnt seem all that exact at all. 

tonight was....

fantastic, i got to be with the woman of my dreams, play monopoly with my best friend for like 2 hours, and I might get to be a small group leader. Which would rock my socks off. Anyways, I just felt like updating blog. How are you the internet? are you well? I have been thinking alot, and somtimes i feel torn, sometimes i feel cheated, but most of the time, i feel completely fine with the fact that i could lose everything. Its not like i havent lost it all before. I've been wondering what makes a family, and what i should write about.

The answer to both came about in an idea i had. I want to call it something like: The Big Book Of Suicides. Or something along those lines, and it will be basically a bunch of stories about people who kill themsleves, or try to. Two parts, first is leading up to the suicide, second will be the aftermath IE: paramedics, who finds them, funerals, hospitals, family reactions, social reactions, school reactions, spousal reactions, basically just a very sad tale, and an example of how it affects all those around you. I know that someone very close to me, suffered from someone commiting suicide, as well as I have. Bloody wrists are pretty much the worst things i have ever seen, and finding somone dying and knowing you dont know how to help, is just about the worst feeling. Anyway, its late and i should go to bed, i just felt like posting.... night Internet.

Oh and my childrens book is gonna be about something cool, like kids who get lost in the forest and have to do something to get out. ok sweet.

night.

I'm glad i made this a confessional because...

I need to confess something that no one will ever read. I don't hate Veronica and I never will. I have had problems with her before like with almost everyone, but with Veronica problems arose over talk of the team next year. While I always cite anything I know about acadec as being from the DemiDec Decathalon's Primer, she was arguing with me with her own knowledge. She was acting like she knew more than I did, and it was because she was on the first team. The truth is, Oliver was wrong, she wasn't the next Sam Bivins who scored a 7600 at his first regionals. She barely placed at all with her 6,700, although the highest on the soon to be new team one. Only 100 more than Alysse, and 200 more than me. This is worriesome considering that we were not on the first team, and thus did not study anywhere near as hard as veronica did. The truth is that with 1 of the A spots, 2 of the B spots, and 1 of the C spots it could have been anyone else and they probobly would have done just as well, if not better. It's horrible to say, but when you feild favorites it hurts the team. I am going to kill myself studying this year, because i know what i need to do to prove what I am capable of. To myself and to everyone else. I want to be highest scoring Decathalete on the team. Decathalon 'tis what i do. Once again I love Veronica, she is very close to me as a friend, but I just had to say whats been on my mind, and even if no one reads this, its my confessional. So thats what this is for.

So I've realized

that I am bipolar only when there are girls involved in my life. I want to destroy myself, so how should I do it? Take your bets now, you might be surprised.

When I'm lost and it seems the end....

Sometimes I wonder what she really thinks. I guess I'll never know, what I do know is, that I'm so caught up in her there is no going back...

I find myself at a crossroads, there are two paths one of good, that will make me less happy, and one of patience that will make me extremely happy. I can manage either, but I really would rather there be a bad path, where I get instant gratification. Sadly I'm not the type of person who instant gratification works for. Waiting has never been my strong suit, ussually when I have to wait for things I just forget them, until the time comes. 

I just smelled my shirt, and it smells like her.... 'tis gonna be a long night. I think I'd like to go pass out, for a while, just until everything is ok. Ok with me, and her, and him and I can be alone, and live.

Sometimes I wonder....

If i died tomorrow, who would come to my funeral? Who wouldn't care, who would be happy, and who would be afraid to go? Whenever someone dies, It's like if we dont know them, we don't seem to care at all. I understand that life goes on, but sometimes it doesn't. Every person who has ever died, had lived, for a while - an entire lifetime. They were there for a second, a glimpse, and then gone from this world forever. Another peice of the decaying matter that makes up the renewable resources. I wonder what their lives were like, their personal experiences. I find myself thinking this so often it probobly is not healthy. What did they think? Who did they meet, what was their life like? There are so many questions, experiences, thoughts, and life that is left to wonder. I just wish i knew, It is all consuming, and I'm confused. oh well.

It's been a while since I've had a journal.

It's sort of nice to have a place to confess my thoughts, and my feelings. With the world the way it is, highschool the way 'tis - expressing opinions on anything is as dangerous as loading a gun. So this secret confessional will ne nice. With this being my only chance to write about who I am, what I really think, and what's going on in my life, I think its pertinent that I say here and now; life isn't serious, don't take it seriously, anything I type here isn't meant to be a serious thing. So if you read something and it upsets you, I'm sorry, better it was words on here, and not words or actions in real life. That being what it is hello, and welcome to my life.