I'm glad i made this a confessional because...

I need to confess something that no one will ever read. I don't hate Veronica and I never will. I have had problems with her before like with almost everyone, but with Veronica problems arose over talk of the team next year. While I always cite anything I know about acadec as being from the DemiDec Decathalon's Primer, she was arguing with me with her own knowledge. She was acting like she knew more than I did, and it was because she was on the first team. The truth is, Oliver was wrong, she wasn't the next Sam Bivins who scored a 7600 at his first regionals. She barely placed at all with her 6,700, although the highest on the soon to be new team one. Only 100 more than Alysse, and 200 more than me. This is worriesome considering that we were not on the first team, and thus did not study anywhere near as hard as veronica did. The truth is that with 1 of the A spots, 2 of the B spots, and 1 of the C spots it could have been anyone else and they probobly would have done just as well, if not better. It's horrible to say, but when you feild favorites it hurts the team. I am going to kill myself studying this year, because i know what i need to do to prove what I am capable of. To myself and to everyone else. I want to be highest scoring Decathalete on the team. Decathalon 'tis what i do. Once again I love Veronica, she is very close to me as a friend, but I just had to say whats been on my mind, and even if no one reads this, its my confessional. So thats what this is for.

So I've realized

that I am bipolar only when there are girls involved in my life. I want to destroy myself, so how should I do it? Take your bets now, you might be surprised.

When I'm lost and it seems the end....

Sometimes I wonder what she really thinks. I guess I'll never know, what I do know is, that I'm so caught up in her there is no going back...

I find myself at a crossroads, there are two paths one of good, that will make me less happy, and one of patience that will make me extremely happy. I can manage either, but I really would rather there be a bad path, where I get instant gratification. Sadly I'm not the type of person who instant gratification works for. Waiting has never been my strong suit, ussually when I have to wait for things I just forget them, until the time comes. 

I just smelled my shirt, and it smells like her.... 'tis gonna be a long night. I think I'd like to go pass out, for a while, just until everything is ok. Ok with me, and her, and him and I can be alone, and live.

Sometimes I wonder....

If i died tomorrow, who would come to my funeral? Who wouldn't care, who would be happy, and who would be afraid to go? Whenever someone dies, It's like if we dont know them, we don't seem to care at all. I understand that life goes on, but sometimes it doesn't. Every person who has ever died, had lived, for a while - an entire lifetime. They were there for a second, a glimpse, and then gone from this world forever. Another peice of the decaying matter that makes up the renewable resources. I wonder what their lives were like, their personal experiences. I find myself thinking this so often it probobly is not healthy. What did they think? Who did they meet, what was their life like? There are so many questions, experiences, thoughts, and life that is left to wonder. I just wish i knew, It is all consuming, and I'm confused. oh well.

It's been a while since I've had a journal.

It's sort of nice to have a place to confess my thoughts, and my feelings. With the world the way it is, highschool the way 'tis - expressing opinions on anything is as dangerous as loading a gun. So this secret confessional will ne nice. With this being my only chance to write about who I am, what I really think, and what's going on in my life, I think its pertinent that I say here and now; life isn't serious, don't take it seriously, anything I type here isn't meant to be a serious thing. So if you read something and it upsets you, I'm sorry, better it was words on here, and not words or actions in real life. That being what it is hello, and welcome to my life.