Faith

What part does faith have in my life? and why does it matter?

Faith is probably the most important part of my life right now and to the day I die. It is where I put my life actually, so faith isn't part of living, but instead living is part of faith. I have found this sort of chasm exists in my life, one that has only been filled quite recently by something good. I've really dealt with a lot of bad things in my life; like my parents divorce, guilt, premarital sex, lustful envy, greed, materialism, idolatry, and most of all pride. I have tried to use girls to fill that lonely spot that I hold in my heart, the chasm that often goes unfilled, but it would never work. The chasm that was left behind by my dad when he was no longer a real part of my life. The chasm that exists from the need to constantly prove myself to the world. Only one thing was lacking from my life and that was God. No girl, father, or satisfaction could ever fill that chasm, because it was all the same chasm. My God died on the cross for me, not only that, but he gave me a place in his kingdom with no expectation of me to be anything than what he made me to be. I do not need to be perfect, just his and that is enough.

It is only through my faith in God that my life is rectified, that I am justified, that I find a peace like no other in the world. It is in prayer that I can ask for anything, learn anything, and know truthfully what is my purpose. Direct communication that was cemented when Jesus died for my sins, the bridge that allows me into God's world; an unworthy sinner turned into a son. If you asked me why my faith is important or how I know that it is truth I would have to respond in a few ways.

Firstly - my faith is the most important thing in the world. It is what keeps me stable when life is unstable and what allows me to rejoice even in my darkest hour. It is sort of like this; Say I have a day where nothing goes right - I get into a car accident, I get a ticket for parking without a pass at school, I get an F on a term paper, and I end up getting scorned by a girl or friend; well normally this day would reduce anyone to tears and I am not exempt, but the difference between my tears and theirs is that while I cry I pray. Once my prayer is done, I know that it will be answered, and my heart soars; I could dance and be happy because the day may be over, but my life is not and I can still be with my God. If you have God in your life, you will never be at want because eventually you realize that he is all you need. Yes, Faith is that powerful; just look at Paul if you don't know who he is, check out all of the letters he wrote in the new testament.

Secondly - I know this is truth; the Gospel is something that is different than anything else ever felt or heard in all of history. In any culture there is the idea of someone dying for someone else and it is regarded as a good act; but there has never been a story like that of Jesus Christ. Jesus is the Son of God, like I am now - the difference is that Without Jesus(who is God) I could not be a Son. He had to be the Son first, and he had to die as the Son to allow me to be like him in the eyes of God. Now consider this; Jesus was blameless and perfect(not like human anyone knows) and he was also God(the king of kings). He preformed miracles and did other acts that showed his true origins, but that wasn't what made his story so amazing; and it isn't what showed his love. God is the King correct? Yes. We are sinners correct? Yes. By the custom of the time that means that we would go to hell because we could not live up to the Laws of God our king? Yes. Then why did God the perfect king choose to come down and save us the lowly criminals of the earth? Because he loved us. Jesus had come to earth and because he was God he upheld the laws laid by God in the old testament making him not a criminal and worthy of the kingdom of God. He had to stand in our place, and die upon the cross so that we, the unworthy sinners; might have a chance to be with God. No king in history has ever stood in the place of a criminal and died so that they might live, and No king could ever set us free spiritually. Jesus did; and that is why I know this is the Truth. Nothing on earth rings truer than this, and nothing on earth has ever had as much of an impact as Jesus did.

What God did showed his love for us, and what Jesus did allowed us to become children of God even though we do not deserve it. It is for this simple fact that I follow Jesus, and give my life to him. For what point is there to living a life without the satisfaction of knowing that I might be able to love my God as he has loved me. This is why I believe, and this is why I am who I am; lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil. For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen.

-David

life

its been 6 weeks since my last post, it is finally cooling down around here, and I am pledge class president of my fraternity. Life is pretty much crazy, but it is good. more later.

College

It is going, It is only the 4th day but I think that I am doing all right. I have armenian studies, which is a very interesting and pretty awesome course. I also have History of latin american republics which is history course that pretty much covers all that I have been studying for a year. I have a nutrition class that will just make my dietary habits more strict. I have a math class that seems more like an economics class than a math class. I finally have a criticial thinking class that will probobly challenge some of my beliefs. I will work hard to keep who I am in college, while learning and growing as much as I can.

what is life?

Life is love, and Love is infalible yet a complete mess at the same time. I wish that I could feel that passion that I did so long ago, there was a time in my life when I had a girlfriend who would kiss me when we fought and when we didnt, In the rain and in the sun, when we were happy or mad, or just when I needed someone. I don't think it was the love that people dream about, but it was certainly some kind of love. The kind where they understand you and feel how you do, and you can hold them and it makes the world stop and life is amazing. I just miss it sometimes, but I am ready for something new; even if it isn't the same.

- David

I feel so burnt out.

It gets this way sometimes, when you just feel burnt out. It is like I can't talk to god, or anyone. I just need to get out of this house and go to do things in the world. That wont solve the problem, but it may help me to find God more easily and ask him to work in my life.

-David

A treaties on being 18

Once again, I find myself in the shadows of doubt and pain. That would be quite sad if it was true; I am actually doing alright haha. I wish the summer was over, because I miss working and doing things every day; but life goes on at its own pace and its not for us to choose. I love you guys thank you for reading, even if you are half a world away. I think that it is time for me to sit down and think about something that really affects me and to write about it. Really write about it this time and not give up just because I dont like where the story is going, but see the action all the way through to the end.

-David.

List for my Birthday dinner.

Cody:yes

Kyle:yes

Nathan:yes

Little mike

Ben:yes

Chloe:yes

Amanda

Bob:yes

Esa:yes

Georgia:yes

Kaitlyn:yes

Kamalei

Kate:yes

Laura:yes

Lauren:yes

Neil:yes

Ryan

Sara:yes

Anna:yes

Sidra

tanner:yes

tori

veronica:yes

mico

adrian:yes

Is it weird...

That God doesn't answer my prayers in words? I know he hears them, and I know he sends me messages and has plans, but he has never actually said anything to me in words. I know he has put ideas in my head and feelings in my heart, but nothing seems as concrete as a voice talking to me. Am I different?

-David.

well well well here we are.

I find myself not feeling completely up to snuff yet again! I am reading the first of the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyers. It isn't as completely trite as everyone has told me, but it is no where near what I would call amazing liturature. Bella and Edward do not have a romance that I would ever want or could ever hope to find - I am not perfect, A girl I find will never be perfect, our relationship will take work and a whole lot of God but I'm ok with that. Charlie and Sam, Nick and Shenni, and Francis and Margie those are the couples that have problems, but they either work out or don't in the end. Couples that are real, they have problems and they try to work them out. What fun is it to be with someone who is perfect? where is the adventure in that? oh yeah he is a vampire big deal, I don't think that I would want to find love with one of the handful of unhuman undead beings on earth! I want a girl, who loves god, and is confident with herself. I know she is out there, and I am going to look for her. I hope that she is looking for me too. Twilight isn't my love story, and I hope that the people who read it don't count on the fact that their "Edward" is ever going to find them, news is in and the top story is that he doesn't exist. sorry, no rewrites on this one.

well I'm tired, night.

-David

I have grown up overnight; revisited.

Im kinda dumb. I definatly am not moving on and I know nothing when it comes to understanding my own feelings. Am I an idoit; probobly not. Do I act idioticly? yeah kinda. I like her, thats pretty much the main problem or the main reason or the main goal.

"I don't, want you, to love me anymore!" yep, the other side of this song. BOOOOOO! Im tired if you can't tell. Why do I like her? Why do I care? What is wrong with me? answers anyone? anyone? well I guess thats the answer, there isnt any. story of my life. gonna pray, that should help I think. yep.

Goodnight, David.

I have grown up overnight.

It is Ironically funny when you think that you are so smart that everyone else is wrong with the way that they think. I feel like an idiot sometimes, but last night was the worst. I couldn't understand what she told me and I didn't really want to. It was much better than what I was thinking, the reason that she didn't want to date, but what I couldn't get was how that could be the reason? I am friends with my ex's, it would be messed up and wrong not to be. Kaitlyn is one of my best friends, I'd never trade her, but damn that was unexpected. The fact that I'm friends with my ex's kind of screwed me this time I guess. It's ok, She's not right for me, I get that now. Oh how I get it.

Anyways I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest, I am a Romantic kind of like Ted. I think that no matter what the problems, relationships deserve work. I'm ready to work, so let's go?

-David

Oh I need to write a Tragedy.

Danielle says that tragedies are the best stories, and I write wonderfully sad Tragedies, So I think I must write one. I wish I could write good stories that are happy, but I am far too devilish for that I guess. Goodnight.

-David

Quotes from a wise old wizard.

I sit here, sipping my apple cider and nursing the fingernail that got ripped because I opened the bottle the wrong way. Oh well, it is ok the cider is worth the pain. Pain for pleasure right? Well I just watched the girl who probobly has some part of my heart(how the heck should I know, heavens knows that I don't want to her to have any of it.) graduate; it was a much livelier ceremony that the one that I participated in two days ago. She looked absolutly radiant and the idea that I need to be alone resinated all night. I really like her family and I still pray for her little brother, He's a cool kid.

There was a great man, who lived a few years ago who once said, "Humans have a knack for choosing precisely the things that are worst for them." This I guess has some part to play in the paths that I have chosen. I dont want exactly what I need and I definatly don't need exactly what I want. I like a girl who wants nothing to do with me, and I am going on dates with a girl who probobly could do much better. I want to go to college to do something that I love and then go to the peace corps, and then to get a doctorate/masters. Foregoing being a father(what I really want) for a long time. I don't know whats best for me, or even what would be the easiest thing for me to do, but I am trying.

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." Is another one of the great sayings, I fall prey to this one all the time; just like young harry did in front of the mirror. I spend all of this time deciding what I want to do, imagining myself all over the world; helping people, ruling people, fighting people, and being amazing. I don't know what I will do, and chances are I will end up in some random job that doesn't make the difference that I want to. It is stupid of me to assume that if I am a teacher that I wont enjoy life. I can't spend time imagining myself as an amazing person, when I could just as easily be an amazing Father, and Teacher or whatever I am. It really doesnt do to dwell on dreams and forget to live the life that could be even better.

"To the well organized mind death is but the next great adventure." I guess that is the last of the quotes that I have, at least that relates to my life. Death isn't really the end, we all know that, but High school also isn't the end of life. This is sometimes hard to remember when faced with a life of paying bills, taxes and raising kids. Life is never ending, and death is just one of the many pathes that you go down durring your life. I can't wait to see where my life takes me, I hope that it is somewhere amazing. Who knows? well certainly not me. It is late now and I am tired. Goodnight internet/world.

-David (with coauthorship by Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.)

Also to Karen if youre reading this

Thank you for the watch, It was very nice of you to send it.

-David.

It is the time...

I am getting older, I can't feel it, or see it, or touch it; but I know it. 4 years ago I was a freshman at Bullard highschool; With that title came all of the faults. I was short(er), I was fat(ter), I was stupid, I was proud, I was lame, I was quiet, I was ignorant, and I probobly smelled. After 4 years in lame classes, and with some pretty amazing people I think that I am a completely different person(almost) than when I started. My friend Chloe put it pretty well this morning at 4; "The friends you have from high school are the people who helped shape who you are and were there when you grew up." It is completely true, that is probobly one of the main reasons why we will be better friends with them than with our college friends. I am thankful for everyone who touched my life in these past 4 years, and who has helped me grow into the man that I will one day become. My friends, teachers, family, and God; They have all helped me, shaped me, and made me who I need to be.

I dont yet know what my purpose in life is, or where I am going; but I know that when I get there I will be ready for whatever the challenge that faces me will be. I just wanted to reflect for a bit on what high school was all about, what I remember, who I am and why. High school for me was a learning experience, but also a place to grow as a person. We had teachers who were supposed to teach us not only Knowledge, but also ethics. We grow to be better people(Theoretically) and prepare for not only the world and its challenges, but also start to understand the challenges present within ourselves. I have a vice that is greater than all the others and it eats at me all day long, I have yet to overcome it completely but I am getting better at it. It isnt by my own doing that this is being taken care of, but by the doing of those around me who care.

I started high school as a tiny freshman with no friends who thought he knew a lot and wanted to be nice to everyone so that he would forego the problems he had in middle school(losing all of my friends in january(ish) when I broke up with Alli, and being called a callow(my word) jerk by a lot of people. Oh Oxford how you were so kind, not.). So I tried to be the nice guy and eventually I made some friends who were seniors that I would abandon for bandos, who I would ditch for Linda, Kate, Veronica, and Chloe. I hung out with them and pretty much had a strange relationship with each one of them, But linda was my best friend. Oh she got introduced to me by Zach Luna who was a crazy emo kid(like me at the time) who was bi(not like me) and just thought Linda and I would get along. Well Linda was my best friend, which Im pretty sure was the extent of that. We talked a lot and we hung out a lot and I think that I just got on her nerves, because she kicked me to the curb like I had been kicked by all of my Oxford Friends. It sucked, a lot. I cried, I contemplated Suicide(Not the first time, but I would never have done it, just liked to have the choice), and I wished I could change her mind. Chloe was still my good friend, and still is today. Veronica and I are on good terms, and Kate and I are cool too. Linda and I have since made up, but that was a hard time in my life.

After freshman year, I started Sophmore year having been single for a record 10 months which was pretty cool, except I hated it at the time(Im at 9 months for now, Waiting for that girl). I was in theater class and this would be the first of many mistakes on my part(don't get me wrong, I love theater and Acting; but theater was where I met Maggie and that was where I fell into a bad rut.) I started dating Maggie, not from getting to know her and liking her and stuff like that, being friends; but instead for pure physical attraction - she was cute. Maggie and I dated on and off for the entirety of Sophmore year, Battleing through depression and cutting much like I had with Alli, but to a larger extent and A harder end. I Broke up with maggie 4 different times for 4 different reasons, But there was one main concern; she wouldn't get help.(she is since doing way better on the depression front, and we are friends(loosly use the term, she gets mad at me sometimes) most of the time). Maggie and I did a lot of crazy stuff when we dated, but it wasn't till Junior year that the real hell started. Durring Sophmore year on a different set of shit, Nathan started Dating Esa who had some of the same problems as maggie( Esa and I are friends, and she is no longer depressed as badly as she was, although she still gets sad sometimes.) Nathan saw what Maggie was like, and told me to give her up, Just like Michael(Putnam; my best friend that year) told me too, and just about everyone else. That was the year that I took Euro and Cody and Veronica had their thing(we dont really talk about it) and when I met mr. Oliver and decided I wanted to be on Acadec(team try-outs were another cause of crying; I think I have a problem with not being good enough, but that is being dealt with I think.). The year was not a good one, or a spectacular one but it was pretty fundemental in finding out who I am and why I do what I do. Also in what I wanted in life, and Forging the bonds of Friendship with Nathan and Cody(Hoover) that last till today. That year I also dated Beth, who I had to break up with because she was turning 18 and I was only 15, and because I just didnt want to go out anymore.

The summer before junior year, I did acadec Packet work, and Also was in Fever. Chloe was the only one who ever went to my competitions besides family, and I still appreciate it. That year I started acadec and met someone who would change my life; all of the seniors, but mainly Bunting(also known as Matt).That was the year that I dated Georgia, and Then Kaitlyn and got called a cheater because of the time that was between them(Almost none, but I didn't cheat.) Kaitlyn was the first girl I had been with, and it was not the most humbling of experiences( Please dont Judge me, I've been Judged enough; but if you must please keep it to yourself. Thank you.). She was pretty great, and I still love her to death. She is and will always be one of my greatest friends and favorite people in the world(even if she can be a bit crazy.) I then went out with Maggie, after a breif time being with Georgia and being a totally misguided douche. Maggie and I were terrible together and She cried a lot of the time. It ended with her cheating on me with a guy named Ben, who I forgive and her as well because its just something that I wont blame her for. Although I know that she won't forgive me because it killed her chance of getting onto Acadec. After that, I met Emily at the Young Writers Conference about a month later and that goes into senior year which I will talk about later. That year I was section leader of the Pit in band and it went much more smoothly than sophmore year, I competed in Propel percussion with my friend savannah(from fever) and met a lot of cool people. Nathan and I grew closer, and Cody became one of my best friends. Cody Delany and I werent really friends, and Michael and I were better than ever. I did alright in Academic Decathalon and Learned a lot about what it was to be a leader from both Kamalei and Matt, and that it was alright to be myself from Bunting(Matt) even if people dont always agree. Jennifer King was durring junior year, and she was an idiot who got drunk at lazer quest(with acadec? who does that?) and everyone was ashamed esspecially me, we kind of had a thing(sadly). That was a good year on the growth scale, a terrible year on the morale scale, and A bad year on the leading off into senior year platform.

Senior year started with the summer before it, I became a christian, again. I Love God, and I am getting to know myself in him day by day. It is a quest that I think I am suited for and I find it thrilling. The person who brought me to God, was not the most pure of angels. She was a manic depressed, obsessive, Imature, and at times needy girl. I was with her for 6 months(almost) and Cheated on her(as she did me). I should have ended it before it came to cheating, but I was stupid and wrong. Kaitlyn was the one who knocked me to my senses and finally got me to free myself. Which I have remained for 9 months, with no girlfriend. It is pretty intense, trying to live for someone besides yourself. I don't always measure up, to the standard that I have set, not that he has set. Its pretty cool knowing that Im not perfect but that he loves me anyways. This year has by far been the best(despite not winning acadec(who cares?), not winning band or winterdrums(again who gives?) and losing one of my best friends(I care.)) I grew up and started to live life by the best way I knew how. Cody and I became best friends, Nate and I are best friends, and I was the best leader that I could be In Acadec, and in Band. I don't know if anything I ever did made any difference, people seldom do, but I hope so. I worked my butt off, and got to one of the top places in acadec, and I loved the whole ride. I worked hard for band, and I got it. I met a nice girl who has kind of messed it up for any other girl who may come into my life because she set a pretty damn high standard for all girls in my life. I have been without a girl(physically and emotionally) for the longest I ever have since before I ever dated. I love life and I am going to miss school, but I am also excited for the future. I had many amazing mentors in school(mr.o, mr.a, and leonard) and I hope that my life will pay honor to them.

I like who I am, and where I am going. I know that Ive made mistakes(5 big ones) and been with the wrong people at the wrong times; but I am not going to let that rule my life. I will go on to do great things and I will definatly be who I am meant to be. No matter what it takes or how much of myself I need to sacrifice; I am going to do what I am called to do. High school was a blast, and It prepared me for the future, but it is defiantly not going to haunt me. None of the problems, or dreams. It is all about the future now, and Im ready to go.

I hope you enjoyed this, and I hope you are rooting for me. Good luck with your own life, and goodbye for now.

-David.

Im in new york!

Whats going on? well a lot of stuff, but I will have to write more about it later.  right now I am busy.... ttyl.

-David.

Hmmmm its been a while the internet

So update on my life...

In february I finished Acadec regionals, then went on to state in march where my score did go down but who cares about that? It wasn't really about scores at the state level, It was about the adventure of which there was tons. At one point, I picked up a girl at the dance. She was cute but I'm kind of glad oliver kicked her out of the room when he did, because she was kind of annoying, and her friend was also kind of annoying. We went to old sac, and saw a master sword but didnt get it or much of anything except some good candy and movie posters there. I got a Rocky Horror poster which is pretty damn awesome and I hope will go in my new room once we move to wherever we are moving. There was once a time when we were in the van with Oliver driving back to The 'No and I was in a gas station looking for peach rings, of which there were none, and oliver drives by when I was walking out and Sami with his pants tied around his head and leaning half out the window makes a gun shooting noise, like tatatatatata, and Cody has the door open yelling "Get in the fucking car!" and they drive by to the other side of the parking lot, it was pretty funny. The best part was these old white women in a car to my right were ducking down frightened as all get out. I got a bronze in social science, and got to meet some new people and be a part of bullard history, so all in all, I think it was a winning memory. 

Band; Winter drums ended with a 5th place as a group, and a 10th place on my solo. It was a good experience and I will miss my pit a lot next year. Fresno state doesn't offer me any consolation for leaving bullard, and central should be alright for teaching next year. I hope that I can work on my skills enough to get them up to Vanguard standards, and I hope that I can do VIP as well. This is my time because I don't have much time. Vanguard is kind of my white whale, and I will capture it. It is amazing to be a part of a group that means so much, and where everyone is giving their all. No one who just does a highschool or college group will get that, because there isnt that push in those group levels. I tried to make the kids understand what it was like, but you cant push everyone and I had to give up. I hope that those who have potential will push themselves to be amazing. 

School in general is comming to an end, I have finish my only ap and I hope that I pass stats. I thing that once school is over my life will be very awesome with lots of hanging out and possibly a girl at some point. Amanda and I aren't planning on going out, and we are good friends. I wouldnt changing this for the world. We went to prom together, twice. It was extremely fun and an adventure. She is definatly a good dancer, very provocative. I really need to get over this whole liking her thing. It is kind of a self harm situation, that whole liking someone when you shouldn't. I don't know, She is pretty great, but it just isn't meant to be I guess. I hope that I do find someone who will accept me even though I am kind of "damaged goods", which I know is retarded and that the only person I need to forgive me does, but I think its gonna follow me for a long time.  I want to find a girl who loves me, but I think that if it isn't meant to be that God knows best. I hope that after I get my initial degree I can either go on to do something else, or go into the peace corps or on a mission and eventually get my doctorate so I can teach university. 

My walk with God has been getting better, despite not really going to church anymore. I need to start going again, but it is hard to get back into the swing. I've been reading a lot of C.S. Lewis and getting more acquatinted with God through prayer and just life. I think that God has a huge plan for me, and that I have been running for too long even though I am only 17. I hope that he brings me love, and a family but its not my place to decide what my life will be, my choice is to follow him, so there isn't much left to choose. Screwtape Letters was a very inciteful book because it kind of explained what demons are doing in our lives, and what they want and who God is. It helped me a lot with some of the stuff that I needed to see in my own life. I have to overcome a lot of demons within myself so that I will be a better person, God will help me with that but prayer would be nice, thanks. I hope that my life will be more complete with God taking a more active roll in it.

My eye might be infected, which kind of stinks, more on that later though.  

Hello world.

whats up?

Im working on my prom project, but shhhh. dont tell amanda.

The lights were flashing...

I was dancing,
She was singing,
My voice was fleeting.
Her feet would leap,
my feelings creep,
By the end,
My heart would fend,
through the night,
I could not fight,
that she would be,
the one for me.
My valentine.

A bit of poetry written as it came to me.

Date to remember

January 30th.

So its been a crazy week.

I havent been on the internet for a whole week, school week at least. This is an amazing thing to most of my friends, but beeing off for a week is awesomely insane. I have been studying my butt off this week, rewriting packets and I hope that it makes my score amazing. Acadec is in its final stretch before regionals, and band is just starting. Winter drums seems like its going to be amazing. So lets get this shit going! My life is about to start.

LIfe goes by so fast.

There are some things that you just realize you can't do, and others that you realize you wish you had. Regret; it is such an ugly and terrible word. I hate it, living with regret is never good. I will probobly live with some regret from things that i didnt do now, or would have done now. damn.

Just walk away.

People say things that hurt a lot, maybe once a in a while, or twice a week, or every single day. But when a friend says something that hurts, its hard to do this, its hard to just walk away. Who knows if youre gonna be alright, and who knows if shit will be ok. It all depends on who your friend is, and what you guys have been doing forever. Sometimes small things stick and mess up friendships, sometimes lives are never the same. Somtimes theyre fine. When you get in a fight with someone and it hurts so bad, what if you could just delete them out of your life? you never see them daily, and you never see them otherwise, the only other time you see them is when you arrange for it. you could just delete them from your social web sites, cancel your subscription to their lives, delete them out of your phone, delete all the pictures of them around you, cancel what you dont want to see, but would that make it better? WHo knows what will make the future better, but burning bridges is never a good idea, so deleting things from a good friend, is a bad idea. stream of consciousness.

-david.